Dear Yuyun:
How's going? May the force be with you.
Couple days ago, an elder who is your grandpa's best friend invited me out for a chat, and out of respect, I agreed. His opening statement was to encourage me to open up, to have a sincere one-on-one conversation with him. He wanted to understand why I haven't gotten married yet, why I resist when others try to set me up with potential partners to me. I answered that I haven't figured it out yet, haven't understood myself completely. He pressed on, asking what I needed to figure out, what I needed to understand. I replied, "I don't know either. If I did, I wouldn't need to figure it out."
That night, he used a lot of moral and social responsibility rhetoric, attempting to persuade me to follow the path of being "qualified." Each time he spoke such words, I replied, "I understand, but I can't empathize." I uttered this sentence no less than five times that night.
Not just this elder, but also my parents and others around me believe I'm living too freely, like an untamed horse. Yet, deep inside, my freedom isn't as they imagine, or perhaps I've bound myself. In the depths of my soul, I also want to be the "qualified" man in the eyes of society: to have a fulfilling married life, a decent job, a body that doesn't gain weight as I age, and a refined and beautiful life. I won't be hypocritical here and say I want to reject all of this, to cast away societal judgments and constraints, and to truly be myself. I know, living within society, it's difficult for me, or you, to truly achieve all of this. However, what we need to understand is, who defines what is "qualified" deep within our souls? And who defines what is fulfilling, decent, and refined?
As that elder said, I do owe your grandparents a lot, and they indeed gave me what they thought was the "best." After that conversation that night, I realized I'll find it difficult to bravely establish my own system of life evaluation. But you can.
I hope that every effort you make in the future is driven by "your willingness." Don't worry about what others say; you don't have to become the person others think you should be. No, you don't. We have to please ourselves first, live our lives well, and be good to ourselves before we have the energy to share our happiness and love with others. Regardless of when, regardless of age, don't be confined by any relationships. Do what you want to do, become who you want to be.
You can crave and chase simplicity, or you can aim to "retain your childlike innocence." Despite what many people might tell you—about surviving in this society, that being simple and having simple desires are the most useless qualities—often, the ones saying these things have lost this quality themselves. Life isn't always lived for the sake of being "useful." Sometimes it can be utilitarian, but other times, it can be a bit more simple. Simple people tend to find happiness more easily; simplifying your thoughts and following simple principles can reduce self-conflict and help you focus on what you want to do.
Life is long, and you can live it in any way you choose, as long as you genuinely enjoy it. The A-side of the story might be interesting, but perhaps, the B-side of the story is even more intriguing.
Your father who is ready to make a compromise
Rave